Few things have resulted in more heated exchanges in our world than Covid-related topics. From social media to medical journals, the extent of conflicting opinions and evidence as to the benefits or harms of vaccines, lockdowns, masks and the like is blindingly obvious. It is small wonder, therefore, that navigating what one reads has become so fraught with danger and confusion that many people choose not to even try, but to simply trust what is presented to them by the governments and mainstream media, or, alternatively, by those whose views contradicted those of the mainstream.
I want to share my journey in relation to all this stuff. The reason I want to do so is because I believe that my experience is important and that it may help at least a few others in their reflections on such vexatious issues.
From the time that Covid vaccines began to be developed, I undertook a lot of research into the issue. I subscribed to various medical and natural health journals, to a website called ‘Trial Site News’ which aims to provide balanced and accessible perspectives on emerging medical issues and treatments, to emails from groups of doctors and researchers who contradicted the mainstream narrative about Covid, and I watched countless videos made by many who dissented from that narrative, as well as constantly reading and hearing what the medical ‘authorities’ were saying and the research favouring the vaccines. I questioned everything I heard and read, both from the mainstream media and authorities and from alternative sources.
I became very aware of the reports of numerous and varied vaccine ‘adverse events’, including deaths, that were being made to VAERS in the USA, and to the medical authorities in Britain, Europe, and eventually in Australia. Despite the pharmaceutical claims made for the efficacy of the vaccines, I became extremely wary of them, and of misleading and selective information that I found often promoted by both the advocates of vaccination and those opposed to it. I watched the polarization of views become increasingly exaggerated as time went by, and was saddened by moves to mandate vaccination for all and by the increasingly harsh measures being taken to limit infection from a virus that had a relatively low death rate. It seemed to me, more and more, that, no matter how pressing some viewed the need to be, there was little respect left for freedom of choice or for those who held views that differed from one’s own.
At the same time, I became aware of the harsh impact of prolonged lockdowns, knowing that even in my own extended family those impacts were hugely detrimental to well-being….a child with autism, an only child, becoming destabilised and insecure as her routine changed from day to day; another child being denied a birthday party two years in a row because lockdowns were in place each time; so many children being denied the right to attend school and have normal social interaction with their peers; adults deprived of their income and their access to their chosen medical or other health practitioners or recommended medical treatment as borders between states were closed and the right to travel outside of our own local government area was denied; teachers exhausted from the effort to provide on-line learning for most children and face-to-face learning for the children of ‘essential workers’ who were allowed to attend school; elderly people being denied contact with their loved ones; people of faith losing their right to attend places of worship; escalating rates of domestic violence due to anger and frustration… the list goes on and on.
The inconvenience of being unable to travel or shop for anything other than essentials didn’t bother me so much; but I found the lack of regard for mental health and well-being frightening and horrendous. I was alarmed that public health was increasingly viewed through the narrow lens of freedom from infection with Covid: where was the balance in relation to other physical health conditions, to mental, emotional and spiritual health? Where was the sense and consistency in many of the other measures being taken to limit the spread of the virus….for example, why were people allowed to carpool but not to sing in church, why could sporting fixtures and movie-making go ahead, with their participants having relatively unlimited rights to travel without quarantining, and why were alternative measures to prevent and treat Covid, such as the use of vitamins and repurposed drugs, not being given the same intensive scrutiny and promotion as the vaccines were given?
I struggled with the constant need to wear masks, as it hindered so much verbal communication, and was uncomfortable if required constantly. Evidence both for and against the value of masks emerged more and more, and it seemed to me to be unnatural and counter-productive to force children, in particular, to wear them.
Whilst I refused to become wedded to any particular perspective, sorrowed over the polarization of views and the intolerance that people were showing for others who did not share their own views, and accepted and respected, to the best of my ability, the choices of all I encountered, my personal views were increasingly sceptical of the merits of vaccines, lockdowns, masks and mainstream media. When I discovered the very limited number of corporations that dominate the shareholding of pharmaceutical companies, media companies, and are hugely influential in terms of government policy because of their lobbying power and donations, I understood why so many people believed in the so-called conspiracy theories that suggested that the agenda behind the push to vaccinate was about controlling populations in the longer-term.
I also felt angry that the governments and health authorities that purported to be concerned for and to protect human health were strongly pushing, if not mandating, vaccination against Covid, yet doing little or nothing to mitigate, or to educate the public about, known risk factors for Covid infection, such as obesity, malnutrition resulting from junk diets, air pollution and the destruction of the natural world. I was dismayed that government funding for hospitals, which for the past several years had steadily suffered bed and ward closures whilst patients’ waiting lists for elective surgery grew long and longer, was not stepped up to meet the demand for the influx of patients with Covid, even as the media loudly proclaimed that hospitals were ‘overwhelmed’ with Covid cases.
And I spent literally months compiling my findings into a document which, I felt, would present credible perspectives that were missing from the mainstream media. My aim in writing it was not to present any rigid arguments, but simply to clarify my own understanding and to provide information to those who had not accessed it because they relied only on the mainstream for their news. That document, in its original form, was shared widely and many people expressed gratitude for its clarity, for its lack of hysteria and judgement. However, in retrospect, I could see that it was somewhat biased and some of the sources I had referred to were questionable, so it was subsequently revised and edited many times as further information came to light.
In the end, I resolved that I would not act in such a way as to support the skewed and poorly-considered mainstream narratives on Covid, even if I showed respect for others’ rights to believe and trust in them, and that I would not accept a vaccine which was only provisionally approved, not well trialled amongst various groups of people, such as children, the aged, and the immunocompromised, and had a huge range and number of reported adverse impacts. I didn’t see the point, especially when increasing numbers of studies from overseas showed that vaccination seemed to help protect against severe disease for only a matter of months, and that even in highly vaccinated populations the number of Covid cases were surging.
But then, something happened.
One day, when I was not thinking about this issue, I heard a clear inner voice asking me “Would you do it for love?” Now, I have engaged in meditation for decades and have found that, for me, inner guidance manifests in many ways, but rarely have I heard an inner voice speak so strongly and clearly. And I knew, straight away, that this question referred to my choice about vaccination. It shook me to my core. Would I get vaccinated for love? I had thought that my investigations into and conclusions about the vaccine were grounded in love and in my constant urge for truth!
I was also aware, of course, that my family members were pro-vaccination for Covid, and that they were concerned for my well-being because I happen to have a rare medical condition which affects my blood vessels and impairs my kidney function, and am over the age of 70, which puts me in the highest-risk category for illness from the virus. However, they treated me with the utmost respect and although they didn’t agree with many of the perspectives I had developed in relation to the vaccination push, they did not try to persuade me to change my mind.
Then my youngest brother, who had left Australia eighteen months previously to take up residence in Thailand and marry the Thai woman he’d fallen in love with, sent me a message that he had been in hospital for a couple of weeks as a result of his vision suddenly becoming impaired. Unfortunately, medical investigations showed that this problem with his vision, and the other problems he subsequently developed – loss of hearing, loss of sensation, impaired speech – were caused by a tumour on his brain stem, which, he was told, was inoperable. He was treated with massive doses of steroids to no avail, and shifted from one hospital to another, and then another, where surgery was attempted after all. It was unsuccessful in removing the tumour, but the biopsy showed that it was a highly malignant type. Just ten weeks or so after his early symptoms developed, he was dead.
Throughout this time, none of us in his family of origin were able to travel to Thailand to be with him, because of the Covid situation, and his wife, who had remained constantly by his side and engaged in much of his nursing care whilst he was in the first hospital, was denied access to him in the final hospital he was admitted to because of the Covid restrictions there. She begged and pleaded to be allowed to be with him, even for a few minutes, after his surgery, and during those precious few minutes, with the doctor present, was able to establish, despite his communication difficulties, that he wanted no further treatment and instead wished to be taken home. His wish was granted the day before he died.
I was heartbroken by my brother’s situation and inability to be with him, or even to communicate directly with him as he lost his hearing and couldn’t talk on the phone. All that my siblings and I could do was to send over what money we could and set up a fundraiser for his medical treatment, the bills for which are still being paid off. And constantly send messages of support and love, even if he himself couldn’t see or read them. One day, a few weeks after his passing, his wife called me. Despite her difficulties with the English language, it was a long call, and she made me deeply and acutely aware of the suffering she had gone through, not just in losing her husband of such a short time, but also in her exclusion from his bedside in hospital during those final couple of weeks.
And then I realized that, if I were to succumb to Covid, and be admitted to hospital – which, my doctors assured me, was a real possibility, given my risk factors – then my own family would be put through the same kind of agony that my sister-in-law had endured, because our hospitals here are closed to visitors because of Covid protocols. How would they feel if I were to be incarcerated in hospital for a long period, or even to die there, when they were unable to be with me? I knew that they would be devastated. I recalled how, early in 2020 when I’d had a ‘flare’ of the medical condition I have and ended up being hospitalized after I’d been coughing up blood for a week, my husband had worried endlessly, my sons had anxiously urged me to seek medical attention sooner, and my daughter had begged me to bear in mind that she and her family could not do without me. To this day, I can see their faces, hear their voices, and recognize the fear that they held for me, as well as the depth of their love, concern and pain.
I also knew that how they respond to and cope with events in their lives is not my responsibility, but I felt, deep in my heart, that I could not refrain from doing everything I could to prevent the happening of the terrible scenario of causing them such distress again if I were to be isolated from them in hospital for a long period. I thought especially of the impact on my daughter and her daughter, my only grandchild, because each of them has health issues that demand the emotional and physical support that I have gladly given them. I could not bear to cause them more pain by wilfully neglecting to consider how it would affect them in the event that I got so sick. For the first time, I began to reconsider my thoughts about becoming vaccinated.
I had to ask myself many questions. Would a choice to be vaccinated truly be made out of love for my family in the circumstances described above, or would it simply be made out of my own emotional attachment to their happiness? Would it truly be made out of love for my body, or out of fear that my medical condition, coupled with Covid, might bring about its death? And would I be betraying the convictions I’d earlier developed if I were to choose vaccination?
I meditated. I prayed. And, in the stillness of those moments of pure being, I realized (yet again) that I am not my thoughts….I am far more than those. (If you don’t know what that means, I can only suggest that you look at the great spiritual teachings of such luminaries as Sri Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Adyashanti, and many others, which often throw the meaning of the words and parables of Jesus and the Buddha into an entirely new light from that which is often taken by the followers of formalized religion. Essentially, what those teachings say is that our true nature, our real and lasting identity, is far more than our bodies, feelings, and minds, but is found in the consciousness or awareness underlying those things, the ‘silent witness’ behind our doing and thinking which is the greater Being that pervades and underlies all creation and all beings, unifies all as One, and is undying and eternal. Most of us touch on our true nature only rarely during the course of our lives, and if we are privileged enough to do so more frequently then it is inevitable that we begin to view life in a very different way than we did previously, and know that life is far, far more than mere physical survival during one incarnation, that love is far, far more than mere emotional pleasure and attachment, and that truth can never be expressed merely via tangible evidence and rational thought. But I digress….)
My head had been so full of information and thoughts in relation to the vaccination issue that I had actually lost my sense of being centred in Self. In detaching myself from my thoughts, in that sitting in a state of pure Being, I opened to a further knowing……that inner voice that had spoken to me before simply led me to make my vaccination choice from love and to trust the Universe. And I understood then that the Universe (my greater Self, God, Life, the Divine….call it what you will) would deliver whatever outcome best served me and all affected by my choice, whatever it was. Perhaps, if I chose vaccination, that outcome would be my well-being and, at least for a time, some physical protection against Covid, and perhaps it would be a bad reaction to the vaccine, or even death, and perhaps it would make no apparent difference at all…..but whatever that outcome was, I knew that I could trust that it would serve learning and growth and evolution, and, because, for me, that is what I understand to be the whole purpose of life, I was utterly at peace with that concept.
I was also able to recognize that if I chose to be vaccinated, that choice would indeed be made from love. I was not aiming to please my family, or to win their approval, or out of attachment to their happiness. I have no control over their happiness, and I was well accustomed to needing no-one’s approval but my own in the choices I made. I love each of them as I love myself, and I love myself enough to know that I could not wilfully ignore the knowledge that, if I were to contract Covid without having taken whatever measures I could to protect my body from its impacts, and without considering the harms that such neglect would cause myself and my family, I could not live at peace with myself.
Furthermore, choosing vaccination would not mean that I was rejecting the perspectives and arguments of those medical researchers and doctors who warned of the dangers of the vaccines, or of those who believed that the imbalanced societal push towards vaccination had behind it an agenda of social control that benefitted certain vested interests……no, I would not reject those perspectives and arguments at all. I would simply make my choice from a more balanced and detached place within myself that also recognized that, vaccine risks and waning efficacy over time notwithstanding, the evidence showed that vaccination was not causing the majority of those vaccinated to be irretrievably harmed or injured, and that it was likely to be of benefit to those such as myself who fit the category of those at highest risk from Covid.
So, gradually, I moved towards the choice to be vaccinated. That choice still was not finalized without due care. Because I’ve had a previous anaphylactic reaction to an intravenous medication containing one of the ingredients of one of the available vaccines, and the other available vaccines contain an ingredient that is related to the ingredient that may have caused that reaction, I discussed that matter thoroughly with four different doctors. The consensus of opinion was that I should not have the vaccine that contained the possibly problematic ingredient, but that the others should not present a problem, and I should have the vaccination at my doctor’s surgery, where I could be monitored carefully for an immediate reaction after having the recommended vaccine. My appointment to be vaccinated is tomorrow, and I have been preparing for it with various natural health protocols that have demonstrated effectiveness against both the worst impacts of Covid and the worst impacts of the vaccines.
I am at peace with that choice. I make it out of love for my body and my family, and I make it with full acceptance and taking full responsibility for whatever its outcome is. It hasn’t altered my thoughts and concerns on Covid-related issues, and it may well prove to be no big deal on a personal level. I do not intend to claim the so-called privileges that our government is currently providing only to people who have received two doses of the vaccine, because I don’t support discrimination against those whose understanding and conscience steers them towards remaining unvaccinated. I don’t see it as a sacrifice or a compromise of my integrity – in fact, just the opposite, because my inner guidance has manifested so clearly about it, and I feel the need to be true to myself and that guidance. It’s true that this guidance did not directly tell me to be vaccinated, but only asked me to make my choice from love and to trust the Universe……but, in my experience, my inner guidance has never ‘commanded’ me to do this or that, but has only suggested a perspective from which to look at an issue; I always have free will.
I also want to make it clear that I agree with many teachers and writers who are active in these times that our current world situation is presenting humanity with a clear choice, the choice to continue to live as we have been during the last couple of centuries, which is the choice of ongoing exploitation of the Earth’s resources and disregard for environmental and human well-being in all contexts, or to move towards a new way of being which shows true respect and care for all living beings and things, including Mother Earth. This is not a choice that will be made by governments and corporations, although some may slowly take steps in the right direction; it is a choice that we must each make within the arena and context of our own lives and abilities. It is not a choice that can be made by authorities mandating certain actions for everyone; it is a choice that must be made with full respect for the freedom and autonomy of each and every individual. It is not a choice that involves judgements and dire punishments for those who fail to comply with a particular view; it is a choice that is made with understanding, compassion, and respect for the differing processes and stages of evolution that each of us goes through, together with a willingness to offer non-judgemental and supportive guidance for those whose actions are harmful to others. It is not a choice about vaccination or non-vaccination, but a choice about the consciousness with which we make our all choices, including those which absolutely need our real attention at this time, such as environmental health and justice for all human beings. How we live and how we perceive our world from now on depends on these critical choices.
I’ve written this because I want anyone who cares about me, or who has followed things I’ve written in the past, to understand the process behind my reaching this decision, that I love and respect them all, and while that I am completely at peace with it with the choice I have made, I remain constantly open to signs, signals or guidance that I need to make a different choice. I emphasize again my understanding that the question of whether or not to vaccinate is not the real issue; and focusing on the vaccination issue is merely a distraction from, or a superficial interpretation of, what is really important in these times.
I think I’m very blessed, and I’m grateful for every step taken on this journey.
PS. October 15th: The above was written 2 days ago. In the interests of disclosing truth, I feel I should add that I didn’t actually have the vaccine as planned yesterday, because I developed a rather nasty cough that contraindicated the advisability of having the vaccine then, and demanded that I be swabbed for the dread disease itself. My appointment for vaccination has been rescheduled accordingly.